Miss Nash

Oh Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay.

What have you gone and done now?

You weren’t content with making a botched appearance on ‘Ugly Betty’, dressed up in ridiculous outfits that can only have been self-styled from all of the cast-off toiles you found in Balenciaga’s rubbish bins. Nor were you satisfied with being the face of the tackiest denim brand to come out of Italy since never (and that’s really saying something – the Italians are gloriously tacky at the best of times.) No, no – you had to go and give everyone in the world of high fashion a slap in the face and embarrass yourself even more than we all thought was possible.

Lindsay Lohan’s debut as ‘Artistic Director’ of Parisian fashion house, Emanuel Ungaro, was just pitiful – I almost can’t bring myself to put it into words.

The clothes were ill-fitting, garish, and just down right slutty basically: Short dresses that look as though they’d ride up and around your waist in two strides; tight ‘seen it before but done much better’ ruched dresses and trousers; a bunch of digital feather prints that looked like a desperate after thought – some attempt at giving the Bad-Barbie-doll collection a bit of an artistic touch; and then a few bedraggled white fur stoles to top it all off. It seemed as though the models were clutching on to these for dear life in order to mask the hideous outfits underneath. Well it didn’t work – it would have been better to leave them out of the show completely and at least run with a theme, however horrid that turned out to be. It was just one bad colour clash after another. I’m sure that the fabrics used were of only the very best quality, (I can only assume?! It is Ungaro after all, isn’t it?!) but under Lindsay’s untrained, irresponsible eye they were allowed to be hacked at and stitched together by hands that could have only belonged to 2 year old chimps.

And the styling deserves a very special mention of its own – above all else, this was by far and away the worst thing about the show. Talk about dressing in the dark! If I had been one of these models, I would have taken one look at the rails backstage and demanded 10 times my regular fee. Actually, I would have just organized an on-the-spot strike, and got all my model mates to walk out with me in protest. But whatever – the girls must have left their brains at home that morning because they allowed themselves to be put into the most disgusting combinations of clothing to be seen this season since the House of Holland show in London just over two weeks ago.

Hot pink plunge neck jacket with ruched acid orange leggings anyone? How about a sparkly blue and black sequined oversized cardi (that looks like your gran bought it for you) and a ruched orange mini dress? No? Sure? Didn’t think so. You could dress better if you went into Mark 1 and asked one of the cashiers to help you put together an outfit for a night out.

Poor Estrella. Look at that face.

The realization of what she’s done is only just dawning on her…

Even after all of the aforementioned atrocities, I could have let it go. Just put it down to bad taste, and a wacky decision made by the company’s CEO. But Lindsay wasn’t alone in putting together this utter shambles of a fashion show. She had a partner in crime! Estrella Archs – a little known Spanish Designer who was hired to keep an eye on LiLo. But, does it look like an experienced designer has had any input here whatsoever? Or does it look like Lindsay beat her up and slapped her around every time she made a comment or gave a suggestion? If I were Estrella, I’d be praying that everyone who saw the SS10 show came away thinking it was the latter…

The new chief executive of Ungaro, Mounir Moufarrige, said that his intention with hiring Ms Lohan was to give Ungaro the equivalent of “electric shock treatment.”

Well, congratulations Mr Moufarrige; the results have certainly been shocking. You’ve succeeded in provoking reactions, overwhelming publicity and exposure for the house – but at what cost? I mean – yes – everyone will go to the stores; even I’M going to go and have a look at the monstrosities in the flesh, but then what? Is Lindsay really going to be allowed to design another collection? Will Estrella put up with her for another season? (Maybe she has no choice in the matter – maybe LiLo’s got her tied up under the desk in the Avenue Montaigne offices as we speak! Or more likely she’s being paid a small fortune.)

I mean – Victoria Beckham is one thing – at least she’s not trashing a well known and loved fashion house with a 40 year heritage. She’s creating her own breed of hideous all on her own – but Lindsay Lohan is being allowed to make a mockery of hundreds of employees and a history of design that many have come to love and cherish.

This kind of thing should be illegal – I’ve heard of people being put away for far lesser crimes than this. But because it’s fashion, and not a little endangered tiger cub, or someone’s baby that she’s mutilating, it’s okay?! I strongly disagree.

We feel how you look, Lindsay.

And now what? Is she going to wear her designs for Ungaro all round town at more fashion parties that she so clearly wasn’t invited to? And prance around in it all on more tv guest appearances, and get papped in one of the hideous heart boob-tubes and a pair of ruched leggings? I don’t want to see it – I don’t even want to catch a glimpse of it – But she’ll be there, in all her haggard technicolour glory on the cover of Heat, The Sun, People magazine and Us Weekly. There’s no escaping it. I’ll just have to go into hiding until this time next year when all of the unsold SS10 clothes have been packed up and blasted out to a thrift store in another galaxy. Only then will it be safe for us all to shop, read trashy magazines and dream about Parisian RTW in peace.